Saturday, January 26, 2013

Call 436 : FOUR NAILS

Hello Son,

It's Saturday today.

Almost a week now since your 21st anniversary on Monday. You know, several readers from the papers emailed to Mom and said some really heartwarming comments about You, your faith, your strength, your story.

Two of them mentioned "your handsome son ..."


Mom can just imagine your chuckle when You read that ... that handsome word. That also reminded Mom about a card You made for her, which You signed off as "Your handsome son ..." All of the readers said they will keep You (and your family) in their prayers.

How very kind of your nice readers, Daniel.

Mom's still on the Lourdes entry in your Orange Dot blog.

Yeah ... It does seem like she's taking a long time to move on to the next chapter.

Sigh ...

Sometimes, it's just difficult to write the ... the down ... parts of our experience ... because then, Mom is reminded about the challenges You had to go through. Three years may have passed, but your mother's still having her "WHY?" moments ... now and then. Don't get her wrong ... She knows You're happy at God's end ... and she's happy that You're safe with JESUS and MARY ... It's just that she ... needs ... to feel the pain ... Yes, she does ... Is that weird, You think? And is it weird to say that she'd never want that ... heartache ... to go away ... for as long as she lives ... like the song sung by Lea Salonga  ...


What else is there that is real

But all the pain that I feel?

So let the pain remain forever in my heart

For every throb it brings is

One more moment spent with You

I'll let the pain bring on the rain

If that's the only way

If there's no other way to be with You again

Pause ...

What does God say about that? Is this the way it's meant to be? Do all mothers with their child/ren in heaven feel this way? Correct her if she's wrong, but Mom thinks she wouldn't have come across this song, this song which lyrics comfort her to her very soul, and assure her that she's not going crazy, and that it's so so so meant to be this way ...  if it's not meant to be.

Anyway ... It's been amazing how You've managed to make your presence felt daily ... to remind Mom, again and again and again, that You're just right beside her. Thank you for that, Son ... Mom appreciates all the zaps and inciDANS and little signs here and there ...

Truly, everywhere we are, there You'll be ...

Yesterday evening, after school, we were driving back.

It was about 7:30 pm. Mom was driving and talking to a staff in the car. The maid was sitting behind us. Mom was engrossed in giving instructions to the staff, when she suddenly noticed a flaming red car in front of her with the registration plate that read ... omg ...

DAN xxxx.

She cannot remember now what the numbers were ...

Oh, she had to take a snapshot of the eviDANS quickly. And so, she continued to talk to the staff as normally as she could, and at the same pretending to type an sms with her cell on top of the steering wheel ...  of course, she was actually trying to snap a photo ...

Gosh, it was difficult ...

You must have been shaking your head, huh ...

Aiyoh Maaaa ...

Here's the first photo she took.

Okay, that was bad.

Oh, by the way, it was also drizzling a bit ...

She angled her cell to take another shot. The DAN car had moved from her lane to the next lane on the left.

What la ...

It's so much easier taking quick shots with her old cell.

This new cell is just very - marr farn (inconvenient).

Click ... she took a second shot.

Can You see the DAN car?

Pause ...

Oh, forget it ...

See the car on the extreme left? Okay, the DAN car is in front of that car. Yeah, by the time your mother was ready with the camera, her DAN car had disappeared from her lane and gone to the lane on the left.

At the end of the day, your mother sees a little sign ... she knows ... she knows her son is reminding her that he's near.

There should be a second sign though ... her heart reminded softly.

Mom dropped the staff off, and drove back to our condo.

She parked the car and took the lift up to our floor.

Stepping out of the lift, your mother had taken a few steps forward when she suddenly noticed a little white feather on the ground, in front of her.

She had to smile.

Her second sign.

The Manga Message.

An angel is near.

Correction, her angel son is near.

Thank You, Son ... Mom said softly under her breath.

This morning, whilst having breakfast with Dad at home before the telly ...

Dad was at the time watching a documentary ... about a man who's able to break nails (You heard right - NAILS) with his body or something to that effect ... how disturbing ... anyway, Mom wasted no time in grabbing the remote and grumbling her disapproval loudly at the same time,

"Why are you watching this? It's disgusting ..."

Nails ...


Of all the ...

They reminded her immediately of the 4 nails (screws) that were driven into your head (two on the front side of your head and two at the bottom at the back side) to hold a frame to ensure apparently, laser beam precision, during a radiosurgery session that You had to undergo at one time.

The very first and the very last.

You were 13 years old then.

Mom will always remember that as the 4 nails that were driven onto your own cross.

The cross You had to bear.

Yes, that frame was nailed or attached onto your head first thing in the morning, at 8 am, and was only removed about 6 pm, after the radiosurgery session. You had yelled out in pain and in shock when that first nail was fixed onto your head.

The doctor had called it a "pin."


Don't even get her started on that ...

Pause ... in an attempt to calm down the sudden rise of heated anger within her.

Those -- were -- not -- pins.

Too late ...

No, not in your mother's eyes, they were not. When Mom heard your loud yell, and she heard it 4 times, she honestly couldn't imagine what was happening behind the closed doors. In fact, the doctor had instructed the attending nurse to "ask the mother to wait outside" just before he fixed the structure onto You. Had Mom seen the size of the "pin," she would have objected to the procedure.

So many procedures your family regrets putting You through, Daniel. That gamma knife procedure was totally unnecessary. Especially when we learned later that radiosurgery was not effective to your type of naughty cell. You had to carry that cross (frame) for almost a whole day. You were in a lot of discomfort, and trying to rest in the ward was out of the question, as the frame was like a large box-like structure that was fixed onto your head. What was the logic in all that long wait, Mom will never know.

The doctor had come out a bit later and calmly dismissed your yelps of pain, "He's feeling a little bit of pressure, that's all ..."

Mom had stepped into the room and was taken aback when she saw that big frame - thing attached to your head. It wasn't until she noticed your wet eyes, that she felt an immediate swelling of rage within her.

She did not react though.

She was in control.

Oh yes, she was ... very much in control.

Dad had prepared her since the beginning of your treatments that "the doctors and nurses are taking care of your son - don't provoke them ..."

And so she had allowed her heart to snap in sarcasm instead, "Why don't I fix that thing on your head, and you tell me whether it's a little bit of pressure ... " In the first place, why did he feel any pain at all? Did the doctor not wait till the painkillers were working first before nailing the frame in?

That nail episode did not go well with your mother.

Anyway, back to breakfast time ... as she was saying, she took the remote to change the channel ... and it turned out that, that movie on that channel was equally boring. Within a few minutes of watching that slow-moving movie, Mom changed the channel again.

American Idol audition was on. The judges were interviewing this over-sized man, asking him his name, where he was from and what song he was gonna sing.

Mom cannot remember what his name was or where he was from. However, when she heard which song he was gonna sing, she found herself sitting upright.

Omg ...

"Let It Be ..."

Turning to Dad sharply, Mom echoed loudly, "Did you hear that? Let it Be ... Omg ... I just turned to this channel, and he's about to sing Let It Be ..."

Dad, the witness.

When I find myself in times of trouble

Mother Mary comes to me 

Oh Wow ... You must have whispered to your mother to :

Change the channel ...

Let it be, Ma ...


You read your mother's mind, Daniel, and You're giving her a reply. 

Would You look at the angel timing?

Mom was quite overwhelmed by the moment.

You know this song, right?

Let It Be and Mom ... we've come a long long way.

It wasn't long until she received the next zap.

Keith (Judge) mentioned, "brain surgeon ..."

The girl who was on, said she did "the country thing ..."

Keith made a comment to this effect : "It's like saying, I did the brain surgeon thing. Either you are a brain surgeon or you're not ..."

Oh gosh ...

Later, short previews came on with the song FALL FOR YOU.

This time, she jumped up to check the time.

It was 10:25 am.

Decode : 44

Omg ... honestly ... her angel sign ... and the song You sang to Mom the night before You left us.

What are the chances?

No chance ...

What is the message ?

I'm right beside You, Ma ... :D


Mom hears You loud and clear, Daniel ... :D

Truly, everywhere we are, there You'll be ...

It's almost midnight, Son ...

Talk to You tomorrow ...

Nite Nite ... Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz