Just saw this movie on telly.
Justine was and still is asleep on the carpet. Dad is outstation.
It's not very often that Mom gets to watch a movie without interruption, from beginning to end. The movie caught her attention from the start. There were just too many zaps.
Zap.
Zap.
Zap.
The seizure.
The hospital.
The prognosis.
Jason.
Lawson.
The truth will set you free? the girl wrote in her journal.
The brother died.
Praying in the cathedral.
In Christ, you are forgiven. You have the power to forgive, said the Priest.
I forgive you, said the note.
Twins. 24 months. Abandoned.
Room number 14.
The garden.
Jonathan wants you to live your life.
Letting go ...
Letting go ...
Pause.
She had to smile.
Let it go seems to be ringing in her ears the past week. The girls in school are somehow hooked to the song and have been humming and singing Let it go ... Let it go ... in class, during break time and play time.
It's hard not to like the tune. It's catchy.
She soon found herself singing under her breath ...
Let it go ... Let it go ... lalalalalalala ...
Anyway, when the movie ended ... October Baby that is ... there was a interview with one of the actors. The actress shared emotionally that the script was written for her. The abortion ... she said that when she was playing the scene, she was no longer acting, it was just real.
I forgive you.
A healing moment for her.
Her moment, she said.
That was powerful.
Mom's eyes were wet. There must be a message for her too, she felt.
I forgive you.
Let it go. Let it go.
Gosh.
A healing moment for Mom.
Taking a deep breath ...
This morning, Saturday 22nd, Mom was sending Justine to school. On the way, the song COUNT ON ME came on the radio.
Justine said, "Count on Me ..."
Yes, Mom knows.
You can count on me, like one two three, I'll be there ...
Mom said, "Yesterday was his 21st. I didn't leave a message on his facebook. It's the first time ..."
It's not that she didn't have time yesterday.
She had plenty of time, in the evening to log on to facebook to drop a note.
Your 49th month with JESUS and MARY.
She chose not to ... start the computer.
The time has come, she felt ... to ... let it go.
Maybe You whispered to your mother, she'll never know ... but she somehow felt calm.
And not hysterical or emotional.
She was okay.
Still, she wants that pain to remain ... it that's the only way to feel close to her son again.
The pain must remain.
That dull ache.
A mother's grieve can never be -- over.
Completely.
And that's okay.
She doesn't want it to ever go away.
Mothers who have their child/ren in heaven will understand what she is saying.
God meant for it to be this way.
She thinks.
Correction, she knows.
Anyway, could You check with Jesus?
Let it go ... Let it go ...
She hears the song in the background.
Grimace.
On Monday 17th, Mom received a note from a reader of your blog that her nephew aged 25 years old was called home on Saturday in his sleep.
Her first response was to immediately write a thesis of comfort words and phrases to the lady. Yup, your mother went on and on and on. You know your mother, right? Once she gets on a topic, she refuses to uh, let it go.
However, having said that, she found herself deleting her long-windedness and decided to spare her internet friend the burden to have to read about words that would mean nothing at a time like this. There is nothing anyone can say that would bring any kind of comfort to the family who has just lost a loved one.
She should know.
It is a difficult and confusing time, she must confess.
It still is ... it gets better with time.
Of course she understood that it was GOD's will and all ... but that does not mean she did not confront GOD with her strings of WHYS and HOW COMES.
Any why must your will be like that, GOD?
Why?
Day after day.
Night after night.
Yesterday was your 49th month. Still her WHYS and HOW COMES continue to come a-calling.
In the 4 years that You went to live with JESUS, not one day has passed that Mom does not think of You ... and wishing what our lives would be like had it not been a brain tumor.
Not a day.
Not a moment.
Not even for a second.
You're always on her mind, Daniel.
Thank God for the long distance connection. Otherwise, Mom cannot imagine how she could have survived your -- leaving.
It was just - weird - that she did not leave a note on your facebook yesterday, being your 21st ... which broke the chain of 4 straight years of always remembering to drop a note on your 21st monthly anniversary. And today, she had the opportunity to watch October Baby and ...
... receive her healing moment.
Let it go, let it go ...
Dad and Mom were at lunch yesterday, on your 21st. When we were done, and were on our way home, a short song ad came on the radio ...
My Heart Will Go On ...
Dad drove to the gas station.
Whilst we were filling up the tank, DANGEROUS came on.
Smile.
ZAP ZAP ZAP.
Two songs.
Her son is near. She could feel his presence.
Oh yes, by the way, Mom must tell You about the zap on Tuesday 18th.
She was driving to school early in the morning.
Alone.
Dad was in East Malaysia.
An old BANANARAMA song came on the radio.
Last night, I was dreaming
I was locked in a prison cell
When I woke up, I was screaming
Calling out your name
And the judge and the jury
They all put the blame on me
They wouldn't go for my story
They wouldn't hear my plea
Only you can set me free ...
It was at that set me FREE lyric that made her sit up straight.
The time was 6:42 am.
Decode : 21
Was that a zap, Son?
She wasn't sure.
Bananarama?
Banana?
Helloo???
And set me free???
Hmmm, she was trying too hard, she thought. She mustn't try to connect every single thing to her son. Unless there were two signs.
Right after the Bananarama song, Omg ... nothing would have prepared Mom for the next song that filled the silence of the car. When the intro music came on, she gasped ... and literally shook her head.
Omg ...
Seriously, Son???
You really are with Mom, aren't You???
21 GUNS.
The time was 6:44 am.
Decode : 14
Driving slowly, she was listening intently to 21 GUNS ... allowing her senses to absorb every line and lyric.
You're in ruins ...
There must be a point in time when You believed that, Son.
When?
After You left us, Justine showed us a small scribble on one of your rough books.
I know who my enemy is, You had scribbled.
Someday, when Mom finds the time, she will continue your story in the Orange Dot blog. No, it's not finished. It was amazing, right to the end.
Imagine, that Tuesday, Mom had a 21 and 14 zap.
Today, at the point of writing this call, Mom googled for the October Baby trailer, and picked the first one right at the top.
She couldn't believe her eyes when she saw that it was uploaded on Jan 21, 2012.
Jan 21??? Your departure date.
And 2012 -- isn't that like 14???
So yeah, truly there was a message for her in that movie.
A healing moment for her.
Otherwise, she couldn't have been -- touched.
When was the last time she sniffed and sobbed and ... and pulled the duvet over head after a movie?
Oh, and You know what? Isn't it weird that 21 GUNS has a line that goes :
Like a liar asking for forgiveness from a stone ...
And the October Baby movie has a message :
I forgive you ... and in Christ, you are forgiven ... and you have the power to forgive ...
Deep ... all very deep.
Message for Mom.
Let it go, let it go -- oo ...
Talk to You in a bit, Son. Keep the zaps coming.
Love You. <3
