Call 522 : OCTOBER BABY

Hello Son,



Just saw this movie on telly. 

 

OCTOBER BABY

Justine was and still is asleep on the carpet. Dad is outstation.

It's not very often that Mom gets to watch a movie without interruption, from beginning to end. The movie caught her attention from the start. There were just too many zaps.

Zap.

Zap.

Zap.

The seizure.

The hospital. 

The prognosis.

Jason.

Lawson.

The truth will set you free? the girl wrote in her journal.

The brother died.

 

Praying in the cathedral.

In Christ, you are forgiven. You have the power to forgive, said the Priest.

I forgive you, said the note.

Twins. 24 months. Abandoned.

Room number 14.

The garden.

Jonathan wants you to live your life. 

Letting go ...

 LET IT GO

Letting go ...

Pause.

She had to smile.

Let it go seems to be ringing in her ears the past week. The girls in school are somehow hooked to the song and have been humming and singing Let it go ... Let it go ... in class, during break time and play time.

It's hard not to like the tune. It's catchy.

She soon found herself singing under her breath ... 

Let it go ... Let it go ... lalalalalalala ...

Anyway, when the movie ended ... October Baby that is ... there was a interview with one of the actors. The actress shared emotionally that the script was written for her. The abortion ... she said that when she was playing the scene, she was no longer acting, it was just real. 

I forgive you.

 

A healing moment for her. 

Her moment, she said.

That was powerful.

Mom's eyes were wet. There must be a message for her too, she felt.

I forgive you.

Let it go. Let it go.

Gosh.

A healing moment for Mom.

Taking a deep breath ...

This morning, Saturday 22nd, Mom was sending Justine to school. On the way, the song COUNT ON ME came on the radio.

Justine said, "Count on Me ..."

Yes, Mom knows.

You can count on me, like one two three, I'll be there ...

Mom said, "Yesterday was his 21st. I didn't leave a message on his facebook. It's the first time ..."

It's not that she didn't have time yesterday.

She had plenty of time, in the evening to log on to facebook to drop a note.

Your 49th month with JESUS and MARY.

She chose not to ... start the computer.

The time has come, she felt ... to ... let it go.

Maybe You whispered to your mother, she'll never know ... but she somehow felt calm.

And not hysterical or emotional.

She was okay.

Still, she wants that pain to remain ... it that's the only way to feel close to her son again.

The pain must remain.

That dull ache.

A mother's grieve can never be -- over.

Completely.

And that's okay.

She doesn't want it to ever go away. 

Mothers who have their child/ren in heaven will understand what she is saying.

God meant for it to be this way.

She thinks.

Correction, she knows.

 

Anyway, could You check with Jesus?

Let it go ... Let it go ...

She hears the song in the background.

Grimace.

On Monday 17th, Mom received a note from a reader of your blog that her nephew aged 25 years old was called home on Saturday in his sleep.

Her first response was to immediately write a thesis of comfort words and phrases to the lady. Yup, your mother went on and on and on. You know your mother, right? Once she gets on a topic, she refuses to uh, let it go.

However, having said that, she found herself deleting her long-windedness and decided to spare her internet friend the burden to have to read about words that would mean nothing at a time like this. There is nothing anyone can say that would bring any kind of comfort to the family who has just lost a loved one.

She should know.

It is a difficult and confusing time, she must confess. 

It still is ... it gets better with time.

Of course she understood that it was GOD's will and all ... but that does not mean she did not confront GOD with her strings of WHYS and HOW COMES.

Any why must your will be like that, GOD?

Why?

 

Day after day.

Night after night.

Yesterday was your 49th month. Still her WHYS and HOW COMES continue to come a-calling.

In the 4 years that You went to live with JESUS, not one day has passed that Mom does not think of You ...  and wishing what our lives would be like had it not been a brain tumor.

Not a day.

Not a moment.

Not even for a second.

You're always on her mind, Daniel. 

Thank God for the long distance connection. Otherwise, Mom cannot imagine how she could have survived your -- leaving.

It was just - weird - that she did not leave a note on your facebook yesterday, being your 21st ... which broke the chain of 4 straight years of always remembering to drop a note on your 21st monthly anniversary. And today, she had the opportunity to watch October Baby and ...

... receive her healing moment.

Let it go, let it go ...

Dad and Mom were at lunch yesterday, on your 21st. When we were done, and were on our way home, a short song ad came on the radio ...

My Heart Will Go On ...

Dad drove to the gas station.

Whilst we were filling up the tank, DANGEROUS came on.

Smile.

ZAP ZAP ZAP.

Two songs. 

Her son is near. She could feel his presence.

Oh yes, by the way, Mom must tell You about the zap on Tuesday 18th.

She was driving to school early in the morning. 

Alone.

Dad was in East Malaysia.

An old BANANARAMA song came on the radio.

Last night, I was dreaming

I was locked in a prison cell

When I woke up, I was screaming

Calling out your name

And the judge and the jury

They all put the blame on me

They wouldn't go for my story

They wouldn't hear my plea

Only you can set me free ...

It was at that set me FREE lyric that made her sit up straight.

The time was 6:42 am. 

Decode : 21

Was that a zap, Son? 

She wasn't sure. 

Bananarama? 

Banana? 

Helloo???

And set me free???

Hmmm, she was trying too hard, she thought. She mustn't try to connect every single thing to her son. Unless there were two signs.

Right after the Bananarama song, Omg ... nothing would have prepared Mom for the next song that filled the silence of the car. When the intro music came on, she gasped ... and literally shook her head.

Omg ...

Seriously, Son???

You really are with Mom, aren't You???

 

21 GUNS.

 21 GUNS

 

The time was 6:44 am.

Decode : 14

Driving slowly, she was listening intently to 21 GUNS ... allowing her senses to absorb every line and lyric.

You're in ruins ...

There must be a point in time when You believed that, Son.

When?

After You left us, Justine showed us a small scribble on one of your rough books.

I know who my enemy is, You had scribbled.

Someday, when Mom finds the time, she will continue your story in the Orange Dot blog. No, it's not finished. It was amazing, right to the end.

Imagine, that Tuesday, Mom had a 21 and 14 zap.

Today, at the point of writing this call, Mom googled for the October Baby trailer, and picked the first one right at the top.

She couldn't believe her eyes when she saw that it was uploaded on Jan 21, 2012.

Jan 21??? Your departure date.

And 2012 -- isn't that like 14???

So yeah, truly there was a message for her in that movie.

A healing moment for her.

Otherwise, she couldn't have been -- touched.

When was the last time she sniffed and sobbed and ... and pulled the duvet over head after a movie?

Oh, and You know what? Isn't it weird that 21 GUNS has a line that goes :

Like a liar asking for forgiveness from a stone ...

And the October Baby movie has a message : 

I forgive you ... and in Christ, you are forgiven ... and you have the power to forgive ...

Deep ... all very deep.

Message for Mom.

Let it go, let it go -- oo ... 

Talk to You in a bit, Son. Keep the zaps coming. 

Love You. <3

 

Call 521 : VALENTINE'S ZAP

Hello Son, 



It's almost midnight. 



Sunday night.



Tomorrow is a school day. Yikes!



The weekend just flew past.



Here's our Valentine's theme last week in school.

Valentine's Day 

(school blog)

Mom has to mention a cute little inciDAN that happened in school on Valentine's Day.

It was in the evening.

Mom was with some 6 year old children at a table.

She saw a 4 year old boy breaking into a run, and running towards her. 

He flung himself on her and gave a tight squeeze.

Laying his head on her shoulder, he continued to embrace her.

Mom held him, and patted him on the back, singing praises to him and telling him what a good boy he has been.

It was a long hug.

She could have counted to 20, she told Dad and Justine later at home. That was how long the 4 year old boy hugged her. He has never given her such a long hug before. The first time, he gave her a hug, it was a two second kinda contact. That was the second.

He soon let go ... would You believe it, just as he left Mom, another 4 year old boy, flung himself on Mom, and gave her a similar long hug. He too rested his head on your mother's shoulder, and held her in a tight manner.

Mom patted the boy on the back and said -- this and thats. :D

He soon left. The second boy has never given her a hug before. That was the first time.

Hmmmm.

At home, that evening, Mom told Dad and Justine about the inciDAN.

"Two 4 year olds gave me a long hug today in school ..."

Dad asked who.

Mom told him the first name, and Dad said, "Really? He's not known to do that ..."

Yeah, it's true what Dad said. That boy is not the hugging kind ... but somehow he had surprised her by giving her an awfully long embrace that day.

Then, Dad asked who the second boy was.

Mom mentioned the name.

Dad raised his eyebrows in surprise. "Really? Has he ever done that?"

Mom said, "No, never ... that was the first time."

Justine said, "Two hugs ..."

Yeah, from two 4 year olds.

Smile.

Was that You, Son? Was that a Valentine hug from heaven?

Mom soon forgot about it ...

Until the next morning, on Saturday, she was walking to the car. 

She was talking to You as usual and wondering what You were doing at the time.

Reaching the car, Mom suddenly had a flash of enlightenment.

A flash, literally.

Omg.

The two hugs the day before.

Omgosh.

She suddenly recalled that in her last call last week, she had asked You to find a way how to give You a "big big squeeze and tight, tight hug."

Oh gosh.

Pause.

Dazed, Mom started the ignition.

Angel Of The Morning was on.

The time was 7:45 am.

Decode : 21/4

All her angel numbers.

It was definitely her son sending her a big, big squeeze and a tight, tight hug to her on Valentine's Day on Friday last week.

Mom suddenly knew.

Slow Ma, slow ...

Gosh, that really was unexpected, those two 4 year olds giving her an unusually two long and tight hugs that day.

You did say you want a tight hug, Ma ... :D

Awww Son, truly ... everywhere we are, there You'll be. <3

Happy Valentine's Day to You too, Daniel.

We love You so very much.

Here's a big, big squeeze and a tight, tight hug from all of us at home.

Nite Son ... talk to You in a bit.

Keep the zaps coming always.

 

Call 520 : ZAP FRUIT

Hello Son, 



Chinese New Year came and went.



We had a really nice time in the highlands - your family, including amah, aunty D, uncle C, baby Megan and aunty C.



Certain places made Mom nostalgic. 



Why ...



If only ...



No words ...



We miss You so much, Son ... :(  



Every day, You remind Mom that You're near ... 



Daily, You zap her with little signs from heaven to assure her that You're right there, beside her.



It has been amazing, this connection that God gave us. You didn't just acquire excellent video game skills for nothing. You're probably using them now -- those skills -- because Mom thinks those zaps and signs You put in her path, are definitely -- programmed. The timing is always so incredible. 



Surreal.



On Sunday, Jan 19 (flashback), whilst we were in Singapore (Call 519), after the MRT ride with the HELLO KITTY zaps, Dad and Mom had come out of the station, to the cab stand. There was a poster of LANA DEL REY on the wall near where we were waiting. Mom only knows of one and only one song by this LANA girl -- VIDEO GAMES. We took a cab to Uncle S's apartment. At the apartment, Dad and Mom went to get Uncle S. We were gonna have briyani together right across the street. We had the most amazing briyani rice with lamb and chicken -- like ever! So anyway, when we came back to the apartment after our briyani, at the ground floor, we got into the lift with this young mat salleh guy carrying a large TV screen. Uncle S and Dad kinda commented on the screen with admiration and the guy said, 



"I'm a video games developer."



W-what???



Time stood still for Mom then. 



Omg ... Seriously???



He repeated with a laugh, "I develop video games ... I need this big screen to help me see what I'm doing ..."



Omg ... You can't be serious. Just right after Mom saw the poster of Lana Del Rey at the cab stand. 



It's like, Mom, take notice -- and then -- ZAP ZAP ZAP!!!



Honestly, what are the chances??? 



Mom had told Dad then, "You see? Omg ... a video games developer ... I'm right ... He wants me to know he really is playing some kind of video game up there ... He went to heaven with all his skills ..." 



Emil's mother had told Mom that (Emil was a college friend of Mom's and had had a heart attack one year before You went to heaven) ... She had said to Mom, they go to heaven with all their skills ... Emil was an artist .. Emil's mom was sharing her zaps with Mom at the time ... so You see, it clearly was a coinciDANS that we bumped into a video games developer in the lift. Had we got to the lift just ONE MINUTE later, we would have missed the mat salleh.



Omg ...



We said our "See you later ..." bit when we came out on the 3d floor. The guy was also on the same floor but on the opposite wing. In fact Uncle S was surprised to learn he was on the same floor, as he said he's never met the mat salleh before.



Ah, You see? The guy was meant for Mom. Not Uncle S. 



That's why. Then, much much much later in the evening, dinner time, we went out of the apartment again. Once again Mom saw the mat salleh -- he came out of the lift and headed towards his apartment.



Two times.



Smile. What are the chances?



You're near, Son. Mom knows. Everywhere she is, there You'll be. :D

 

Mom wishes she could spent all her time at Starbucks writing to You. There's so much to tell You each day, even in school. 



On Wednesday, Feb 5, after our Gong Xi break, it was during makan time in the evening. We were having macaroni. Some children were commenting on the macaroni. A 5 year old girl who was sitting beside Mom at the time, said, "Rainbow ..."



Mom had looked at her with the question mark on her face.



The little girl repeated, "The macaroni looks like a rainbow ..."



And so they do. Elbow-shaped macaroni ...


 
Rainbow ...



Half an hour later, during tutorials time.



The same girl approached Mom with her mandarin book. There was a picture of a bow and arrow ... in the shape of a large 


D.

She wanted to know if she had to do that page that day.



No, she didn't have to do that bow and arrow page. There was clearly no "HW" (homework) on the top of the page. The teacher would have written HW if she wanted the kids to do a certain page for homework.



Still, the girl had to show Mom that page and asked her an obvious question.



The page with the large D ... to complete the RAINBOW zap.



Two little signs ...



ZAP ZAP ZAP.



Always, her zaps come in twos.



Pause ...

Wish there was some way Mom could give You a big squeeze. Is there a way? Go find a way, will You please? A big, big squeeze and a tight, tight hug.



Nothing is impossible with God.



God will make a way.



We didn't sing that for no reason. God truly has made a way for us.



Sniff.



So anyway ...



Back to the present ...


"What do you think Son is doing right now?' Mom had asked Dad at one point, whilst we were on our Gong Xi break up in the mountains. 



Dad said with a grin, "Playing fire crackers ..." :D



Chuckle.



So anyway, on Sunday, 3rd day of Chinese New Year, Dad, Mom and Justine took the last (almost midnight) flight to visit Mama.

Sunday Feb 2



We were boarding the plane. 



Dad had showed us our boarding passes at the boarding hall.



Row 21 (DEF)



Smile.



Whilst we were getting to our seats, at Row 21, Justine took the window seat, Mom in the middle, and Dad, aisle -- Dad sat down after putting our hand carriers in the overhead compartment. As he did, Mom suddenly saw the words JACK DANIELS on a tee shirt on a passenger who was right behind Dad.



ZAP ZAP ZAP.



Row 21 and Jack Daniels?



Did You program that, Son?



Grin.



When we arrived at our destination, Justine and Mom were waiting by the cab booth. Dad had gone to look for uncle KK. He was picking us up from the airport.



Justine and Mom heard -- "Jack Daniels" -- at one point. We turned to look, and saw the Jack Daniels' guy grinning to some -- friends, probably. 



Yes, Mom had to hear that, huh.



Jack Daniels.



You are getting so good at this.



Honestly, aren't we all glad we named You Daniel? Can You imagine how difficult it would be to send us a zap had we named You, say -- 



Judah Ben Hur?



Hah.



Or Bartholomew?



Even your name was already decided by Jesus. Mom always knew she would have a Justine and a Daniel. Either that, or a Justin and a Danielle. 



Whichever. 



An angel must have whispered to her. 



We never went through any problems with names when Mom was expecting with the both of you. All part of God's plan. She was just a small player in God's very big plan.



So anyway, Uncle KK came to get us. 



We were soon at Mama's house. Mama looks really good. 



Uncle KK took out this box and said "Try this ..."



"Banana dessert ... eveyone is crazy about this ..."



From Japan. He had just come back form Japan a week ago.



Mom peered to look.

Banana???



The last thing You had before You left us the next day.



ZAP ZAP ZAP.



Just to remind Mom that You're also with us when we were at Mama's house. :D Uncle KK could have brought out apples or oranges -- but he brought out a zap fruit.



Truly Daniel, everywhere we are, there You'll be ... <3